journaling, Lifestyle, personal truths

Who will you show up as?

I have struggled for years with myself.

Weight, career, who I should be, who my partner needed me to be, who my kids needed me to be, my job, everyone else except for me. 

  I have struggled with my weight for the past 14 years, hitting my lowest weight in that 14years in 2018, then gaining it all back to being stuck now. 

I have been the mom that got a lot of time with her kids, and then all of a sudden was getting 10 hours or so a week with them. And my kids are my life. I will tell you later why I dedicate myself so intensely on being a mother, but that is for another post. 

I have been the woman who wanted to pursue her own way, pursue my own business, so many wonderful things. And, honestly, I let a lot of that go.

 

 Until recently. I decided 2020 was going to be my year. I know we hear that term a lot, but once you learn more about my life, you will understand why this is SO important to me. 

 I had been speaking on starting my own handcrafted business for EVER. I wanted to get my Notary so I could perform weddings and maybe take that into event and wedding planning, as I had wanted to do early on in life. 

 In early March, I set forth on those goals. I sent in the paperwork to form an LLC and to get my Notary. Right as Covid-19 SHTF, the salon I worked for shut down until further notice, I pulled my 5-year-old out of school and my 13 year old went on never-ending spring break. The staff of the salon was then furloughed. And unemployment here in Florida is a joke. 

  I could have seen this is a devastating turn of events. How would we survive, etc. thank god my other half is an essential worker with a great job. In the midst of this, my notary stamp and info came in, following that was my LLC approval and paperwork. 

 

 Now, the me I was, I really could have lost it. Seriously. I used to worry so much and I am trying to work my way out of that habit. However,I took it in stride. 

 

 Recently, I finished reading “Chasing Cupcakes” by Elizabeth Benton. Near the end of the book, she started talking about who we want to be and making decisions that reflect the person we want to be. Every choice is a chance to change. 

       So I asked myself, who will I show up as?

 

We sat down and discussed options. 

I could finally have more time with the kids. Win. I could pursue my business. Win. That ability inspired me even more. I could finally start living the life I wanted to live. 

 

Now me before would have been terrified. I decided that who I want to be would NOT do that. When the time came to sign back onto the company payroll, I politely declined and instead asked for my termination papers. 

That was less than a week ago. In the past few days, I have gone headstrong into pursuing my art career and my notary career. I am enjoying living room dance parties with my 5-year-old and giggling with my 13-year-old now. I have had unlimited time with my other half while he is home. 

 

I know this is just the first week of freedom. But the woman I want to be is smiling inside, glowing because I am choosing to release her. I am choosing to be the woman in love with life and her family and to live on the edge of survival and flourishing. The woman I am choosing to be is happy and healthy and strong. 

 

Who do you want to be? Every day, make the choices that bring you into being that person. You wont regret it!

 

What I am listening to:

American teen -Khalid

Am I wrong -Nico and Vinz

New Perspective -Panic! At the Disco

You can call me Al- Paul Simon

On top of the world- Imagine Dragons

Pumped up kicks – Foster the People

 

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